Don't Hold Back

So I see you. Living your life, all prim and proper. Following the expectations of those around you.​ Hiding your true self with all those messy things called emotions. And you know, It's no fun is it?

You feel the need to hide your frustration. You feel you can't vent to anyone without the dreaded "gossip" word coming in to play. You, especially if you are a woman, are afraid to be known as "too" emotional. I could go on and on.

But let's do something unexpected. Something so far from society's norm. Something I'm sure we've all wanted to do at one point.​

Let's break some plates.​

And here's the ground rules, or at least my advice for this:​

1. Don't use glass plates. They shatter like nobody's business. And, it's scary.​ Ceramic plates work very well for this.

2. Please find a nice open space outside to do this.​

3. Don't follow my lead in the video and wear shorts or sandals. It would be best if you wore pants and full shoes. I take no responsibility for possible trips to the ER. Just sayin'. ​

4. If you don't want to shatter plates that you own, or have been banned from smashing anymore of your plates, ahem Laura Emily, Goodwill that shit. And then, you can get a stack of plates for $3. ​

5. Feel free to get a sharpie and write it out. Write out the crap you wish to release. Get it all out there and don't hold back!​

Other than that, just be smart. And enjoy the crazy looks you may get from neighbors, passerbys, and the general public. OR ask them if they want to join in! Make a party out of it. Gather under the full moon with your friends and smash. Smash till you feel it all subside. Then, dance it out. Play. Run free. You're as free as you want to be, baby.

Music:
First song: Caminando Remixed by Rising Appalachia
Second song: Freedom by Rising

Love and releasing.​

Katelyn

{Wander}lust

I have this stirring in my soul. To wander and explore. To run naked and free. ​Windows down, the warm wind caressing my body.​ Holding hands with my love and singing songs out into the world.​ Letting the wind carry the tune.​

Miles adding up, rubber to pavement. I have this wanderlust soul. But the deep need and desire to be firmly rooted. This feeling creeps in often. Sometimes stronger than others, where I want to run. Be free from all burdens. Live the gypsy life that stirs me from within. I hear you gypsy winds, but I need to be rooted here for just a bit longer. I hear your sweet whisperings and I honor you. ​

Even if my body isn't in motion, my mind is traveling.​

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What is your inner gypsy whispering to you lately?

If you could go anywhere tomorrow where would you go? ​

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Only love,​

Katelyn

Floating

Sometimes all this momma needs for earth medicine involves a hoop, some fresh air, and some music.

Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend and Happy Mother's Day to all mommas. Earth mommas. Animal mommas. And those who have been fighting hard for that one precious baby to hold within your physical arms. Especially you. You are not forgotten or looked over.​

Love,​

Katelyn

Going round and round.

My head has been spinning. Like a merry go round. But more like a merry go round on speed. Flying around at 100 miles per hour, as I hang on to the worn and faded horse, who once had magical rainbow hair. I'm left breathless and battered. Bruises on my hips. Cracked lips and cracked ribs.

I catch glimpses of the earth. Sky. Ground. Sky. Ground. Sky and ground meld and become one and I no longer know which way is up and which way is down. ​I'm parched and need a drink. I need a thousand glasses of water but it still won't quench this thirst. This thirst is not for water. This thirst is for release.

I release. I ask often for that release from you. But, it's not coming. So I hang on and I spin.​

I spin and I spin and I spin. Hoping that all of it will spin out and fly into the ether. I can't carry it anymore. It's too heavy. ​I realize that I willingly carried it. Took it on. Felt it's weight and said it was okay. That I would carry this burden. I would carry this hurt. I would carry the lies and the pain. But it's not okay. And it's never okay. I do not carry this any longer.

So for now, I just keep hanging on this merry go round. As it squeaks and screams. As it plays creepy circus music over it's cracking, static filled speakers.​

And I spin.

​I hold on until I know when to let go. And I'm not waiting for this maniacal carousel to stop. No. I will let go when I get the signal. I will fly off fast and hard. I will bandage myself up. Add casts to the broken parts. And then, I will finally allow my body to heal.

But mainly, I will know, that I don't have to allow myself to walk gingerly, trying to avoid stepping on cracks. ​

::Katelyn::

Sisterhood.

Sisterhood is so very important. As a culture we need to learn to circle together and lift each other up. We are taught early on to gossip. To be jealous. To tear one another apart. ​

But you know what? When you break down that stigma, put aside those barriers. You know what happens? Magic. A sisterhood is formed. ​And it's a powerful force. A force that can change the world.

I am so very thankful and proud of the sisterhood I find myself in. The way they can come out stronger like the phoenix rising from the ashes, after it seems like everything has fallen apart.​ I cannot wait to start sharing with the world, these offerings from this group.

Please feel free to click on the photo and download it for personal use only. It is copyright of Katelyn Demidow so please don't use it or pass it off as your own, because, well, that's just so ​uncool. If you re-blog or pin it, please link it back here. Thank you!

Only love,​

Katelyn

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Hop on the bike. Petal. Petal. Petal. Push the negative energy out. Push. It. Out.​ Focus the pain, form it into a ball. Force it down. Petal it out.​ Send it into the ether. Hold it no longer.

Breathe in. Breathe out. ​The scent of my childhood in the breeze. Is it wet dirt? Is it honeysuckle? Is it freshly cut grass?​ Maybe the mixture of all three.​ Breathe it in. And bring back the innocence. Petal. Petal. Petal. Petal to remember the good.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Petal into tomorrow. With promises of moving forward. Behind you is the past. In front of you is the future. But you petal for today.​ This moment in time. You petal to get to tomorrow. To keep moving forward, into the unknown. The unknown that you are no longer fearful of.

Breathe in. Breathe out.​

::Katelyn::

Weaving.

​This spider. She comes back every dusk and starts her process. Setting support strands and making sure she's in a good spot for the night. Then. She weaves. I've formed a bond with her. I think about catching flies to put in her web for her, for all her hard work. Weaving in the wind. As if the wind is just coming to caress her and tell her to keep going.

Keep weaving your magic, little one.

I am here, listening. Open to receive your knowledge and learn from you.

Only love,​

Katelyn

Lying.

I've made this agreement with myself and the universe, one that I would never lie to my children. And a week ago my daughter asked me one of the hardest questions.

"Momma, where's your daddy?"

As I muttered I don't know, she then asked why I don't talk to him. ​

She forgot all about what she was asking and moved on to another round of 20 questions but my mind was reeling. Because I lied. I know exactly why. I know where he is and why he chooses to not have a relationship with me or my children.

The fear of being alone.

​I wish it meant to him not to be apart from his family but it doesn't. It means to not feel like a failure and get a third divorce. A horrible means of judging one's self worth. ​

​Why am I pouring this all out here? I have no idea. I just know that my anger at him has morphed into a sadness for him. For the fact that he can have two strokes and not either feel the need to tell his family or think that we wouldn't care. I've tried many times, to be okay with this. With the fact that he'd rather live with a different family than his own and maybe it would've been easier to accept, had he been a un-invested father growing up. But he wasn't. He was all about his girls. All about family. But, what I didn't see coming, was the turning point, that it would be all about another family. A replacement family.

I am so very glad he was an invested father for the most part of my growing up, but I really wish it wouldn't have come to this. This not caring. This not seeing your grandchildren. This not walking your youngest daughter down the aisle. This. ​

No matter how many times I try to let it go, and not bother me, it always comes back around. And I am left confused.​

​I really do hope he's happy but at the same point, I can't fathom a father being happy when he has no relation ship with his kids.

I am here, transparent and waiting for resolve.​

Only love.​

Katelyn

​P.S. I don't have a photo of my father, so you get a photo of my amazing husband and father of my children.

Teachers, Preachers, Spiritual Gurus.

Growing up in the church. Listen to the pastor. He knows all. Teaching us that we follow, we trust and we do as we're told. From leaving that lifestyle behind I find myself seeking out teachers. Maybe this feeling runs deep. That I can't teach myself, that I need someone else to guide me. That I am not educated enough to know how to translate and interpret. ​

And I don't know why, but at 26 years old, I still forget that these "teachers" are human. That I can't place them higher than myself, because we are all equal. And I am finding more so that when I go within and really sit with mother nature, that is where I find my answers.

Part of this moving past the teachings of my youth and "growing my wings" as Laura put it, is to learn that I don't have to turn to someone for the answers. To shift my ​perception of what I need. I don't need teachers or gurus. I need community. And I'm forming that. It's constantly shifting and I am constantly going through heartbreak with it but with community you share your journey without teaching or preaching. You let down your guard and sometimes that causes grief but sometimes and it's so beautiful when it does happen, people open their hearts to you and then you realize, we are all here to teach something.

We are all teachers here.

Only love,​

Katelyn

Five and Six Years

Yesterday Joey and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. I'd say that I couldn't believe it, that we've been married for six years already but I can. When I look back on my life and where I imagined I'd be at 26 years old, I imagined this life, not in it's entirety. The details are a bit different and the circumstances leading us here may have been ones I never had expected.

It's different but all familiar.

People were worried, about us getting married so young. That we'd grow apart during our twenties. That when we "found ourselves" we'd be finding our selves going two separate ways. I don't know how it happened, but we are more in love now. Actually, that's a lie. I do know how it happened. We were aware and took the time to get to know each other. That no matter what life we were leading when we started dating, that the core of ourselves, of each other, they were just magnetic. No matter what beliefs we may carry or ideas we may dream up, we just knew, that this was the person we were meant to live this lifetime out with. ​

And yesterday, the day of our sixth wedding anniversary, the wind that was present on that very day, April 7, 2007, it found us again. It enveloped and wrapped us up in it's comfort as we partied for Leena for her fifth birthday.​

Our little Leena is now a "kid." Full blown, bike falling, knee scraping kid. As I watched her take a tumble off her new "big kid" bike yesterday, after her party, wearing her poofy, pink dress that she picked out herself, I couldn't help but reflect. Reflect on this little one that made me a momma. Where I learned all about her firey Aries personality and still sweet demeanor. ​How five years ago, teaching this soul how to ride a bike was the last thing on my mind. My daddy's girl and beautiful big sister. This one is medicine to the world.

Today we celebrate. Again.​

Only love,​

Katelyn