I’m full up. Full of grief. Full of rage. Full of disappointment and absolute exhaustion.

I’m also so full of love. Full of respect for myself. Full of hard truths and lessons painfully learned.

And while nothing really makes sense after so much unimaginable loss and abandonment, I’m still somehow full of hope. It may not be quite as outwardly vibrant currently but there is a fire being stoked in the dark underbelly of my soul.

I don’t stay places that don’t nourish me quite nearly as long as I used to. I am learning how to be there for others as I always have been and also not attach some obligation to stay when it’s not reciprocal.

I’m not grasping at straws to try to keep loneliness at bay. Not settling for crumbs. Having my eyes fully clear about friendships that aren’t actually. I know I speak a lot about losing friendships but this time it feels like I finally took my power back. Not begging someone to see me. Just stepping away when it was clear I was never a priority. And I’m okay with the help and friendship I gave during their hardships because sometimes we need someone who can see the truth through the lies and guide you through to the other side.

And then, then when the dust settled and I was presented with a one sided friendship, I was finally able to say no. I deserve better. I deserve a friendship that passes the bechdel test. Friendships with people I can be honest with. Friendships with people who don’t compete. Friendships with people who aren’t delusional about their morals. Friendships with people who aren’t weirdly obsessed with my husband.

Male centered women are dangerous.

And I have my own healing to focus on.